Stone Faced
by JammyWammy
Summary: [HUMOR FIC] We all know Cloud Strife's signature emotionless look, but what was really running through his mind on the duration of his time with AVALANCHE since the beginning? Or rather, his thoughts on his ruby-eyed comrade. Rated for language, and dirty thoughts, lots of it. :D Chapter 3 up.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

 **Author's note: This fic is not meant to offend anyone, i wrote this for fun. This a Humor fic after all.**

 **Rated for language and dirty minds. Lots of it. :D**

When he first joined AVALANCHE, he was the arrogant, cocky jerk that will get into your nerves, the kind you would want to punch in the mouth repeatedly until all his tooth fell out, with his famous "not interested" line and his icy cold stare, he would often be in a fight with the leader of the rebel group, who during that time, was Barret. He almost quit one time because the arguments were getting out of hand, but it was the sultry ruby-eyed barmaid, which was coincidentally his lost chilhood friend and ultimate crush, the one who found him half dead and drooling in the Midgar train station, and offered him a job as a mercenary because they needed an extra muscle, was the one who also stopped him from departing. He asked for more money in exchange for that, and she agreed without missing a beat. But it was not only because of the money why he stayed, sure, he needed it, but there was something else that kept him glued to this group.

Behind that cold exterior and I'm-too-cool-to-give-a-damn attitude towards a certain woman behind the bar, somewhere inside of him was always screaming.

He can't still fucking believe that Tifa, the one he was longing for since he was a boy, was right there in front of him. And what's more is he noticed how she much grew, well, certain parts of her that is. He would wear his blank look while watching her mixing drinks, but his mind was screaming obscenities while his eyes slowly travel to those bouncy devil cushions while she was shaking her drink mixer, fighting the urge to move forward and bury his face in between them while carrying her by the ass screaming 'Bounce for me baby yes!' in between the shakes. Of course he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't want his head rolling off the floor and being stuffed later on to be hanged in the walls of Seventh heaven with 'Cloud Strife is a sex maniac' written below his severed head.

It wasn't because he was a loser, well, maybe he was, but it was all thanks to Tifa's jackass friends who when they were young treated him like some sort of disease, and being in a coma for five fucking years thanks to that shithead Hojo, he never had any experience with the opposite sex. His raging hormones is of a fifteen year old, and it was waiting to explode, in certain body parts of the sexy brunette.

When they were thrown together in that Shinra cell when they were trying to rescue Aeris, he watched Tifa who was lying in that cot against the wall, it was difficult not to picture himself in her place instead, with her straddling and riding him like he was a galloping chocobo on crack, with her meaty pillows bouncing and slapping against his sweaty face. He was thankful that Aeris caught his attention and talked about their "date", which clearly irritated the barmaid. His thoughts came back however because of it, making him want to charge at her, pin her down and start pounding her like some sort of meat to be tenderized, just to reassure her that she was the one he only wants. He beat the shit out of himself in his mind, he was disgusted with his thoughts. All of these were running in his head while wearing that classic too-cool-for-school look on his face.

He mastered the art of multitasking in battle just because of his desire to peek into Tifa's panties which was showing off during battle, he kept his focus on the enemies while catching a glimpse of that sweet fabric between her thighs, mentally praising and cursing himself for his hidden talent.

When he became a vegetable and was staying in that fucking wheelchair in a hospital in Mideel, it was Tifa who took care of him, trying to feed him, tucking him in, bathing him. That was his favorite part, for he was only pretending being still in dreamland on the last few days so he can witness Tifa in only her underwear while she bathed him. It was a good thing she kept his boxers on always, or she would have noticed his "buster sword" standing up in all its glory as if saying "Would you care for me, too Madam?", but he was sure she took notice but chose to ignore it. It was all cut short when Ultima weapon attacked the place and they fell into the lifestream. That fucking asshole.

Their night under the highwind was the best night of his life, well, that's what he thought, specially when Tifa uttered the trigger words that had his blood boiling, eyes and fingers twitching, mouth going dry, and heavy breathing.

 _Cloud... words isn't the only way to tell people what you're thinking..._

That was the moment he was waiting all his life, the one opportunity to touch and caress every inch of this Goddess. But he was so busy thinking about where to start that he became drained and exhausted that they only ended up falling asleep by the rocks. He was sore by the morning , though wishing it was a different kind of sore, somewhere in his lower region, but instead it was his fucking neck that was killing him from leaning on Tifa's head all night. But atleast he got to "accidentally" lean on her generous futures during the duration of their sleeping session.

When they started living together on Edge after the fall of that big ball of turd from the sky that almost killed everyone, courtesy of that stupid fucker Sephiroth, he was struggling to stop himself in barging into her room, ripping her clothes off and show her the time of her life, so he decided to avoid her instead. His Geostigma was a good excuse even if he was in a lot of pain, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his most priced possession inside his pants.

He finally got the chance to go back to his house after the disease was cured thanks to his fallen friend and her magical healing rain, he would seclude himself inside his domain and brood and mutter to himself about his feelings for his ruby-eyed companion. Then one day he decided to just get out of his sanctuary, knock on her door, and tell her he loves her for a long fucking time already. Dammit. He stood up and went on his way. He slowly opened his door, went out, positioned himself outside her room and started to knock.

Then her door slowly open to reveal the beautiful barmaid in that dangerously thin as fuck nightgown that had him sweating like hell in an instant, grabbed a handful of his shirt and started dragging the very surprised swordsman inside then locking the door shut.

What he doesn't know is that all these years, the woman of his deepest and dirtiest fantasies where thinking the same way as him.

 **Author's note** : This is a oneshot but I'm thinking of adding Tifa's POV on the next chapter lol. :p thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Tifa's POV**

 **This version is not a vulgar as Cloud because Tifa is not capable of cursing... I think. But a dirty mind though, mm-hm. You'll have to find out**.

Ever since I was young, I have noticed that Cloud had a thing for me, and I was so caught up in my own pretty little world to notice. He even followed me when I fell inti that cliff because of my delusions. I feel in a coma for seven days of it, but the town started hating on him and until now, I still feel terrible about it.

When he invited me to the well the night he told me he would join SOLDIER and at the same time, we made our promise, I could gave sworn he was staring at me and he would lean slightly forward as if he was going to kiss me. My wide eyes would get him out of his daze though. And he would shake his head suddenly, earning a confused look from me. It went on nunerous times until we saidnour goodnights.

When I found him in the train station years after that, I noticed how much he had changed, his build was muscular, that strong chest and those hot blue eyes, yes. I have never been a horny woman, I have never thought about sex, until that moment though, I couldn't help but hug him while I cried out for him, I shoved his face in between my breasts, but too bad for me, he was half dead and I don't think he remembered that at all.

I nursed him back to health, he stayed in my room, in my bed, while I took his clothes off to be washed, i would get him changed to one of my shorts, only that shorts. Mm-mm, that's right, I've already seen it, that thing that he's hiding within. And until now, he doesn't have any idea that I've already seen all his naked glory and it's one my best memories. Yes. When he was totally knocked out, I would sleep beside him and caress every inch of him. Except that... Thing. I'm scared to touch it, first of all, he might wake up, second, it scared me, like a snake that about to spit its venom at me, causing it to melt my skin like acid. I don't really know much about that stuff, but I've heard that it does that, you know, the spitting thing. Well honestly, I did try it once, just a small touch, I poked it with my finger as if waking it up, and it did! It was suddenly all stiff while Cloud jerked violently in his sleep. And I thought, okay, that's enough. I let out a nervous laugh in my mind, I never attempted to do it again.

For now.

I knew he would watched me while I'm mixing drinks, that 's why when he's around, I would shake my arms with double force than usual, so my things would bounce in front of him, that's right, I was seducing him to no end but his face would always be blank. I would cry in my room everynight because of it, and curse myself for being so horny towards him.

When I was on a mission to find out whay Don Corneo knows about Shinra in the famous honeybee in, I really thought that Cloud had died, but instead, I found him sitting on top of a slide just outside the inn, I cursed him with every fiber of my being, here I am risking my innocence to some slimy men, and he was just there, flirting with some girl in pink. Fine then. When i was transfered in a room, I found that girl in pink again, but his time, she was wearing red, yeah, like the color she's going to be when I'm done with her, yes sir, I will beat this mystery woman to a pulp after my mission. But my not so nice thoughts went out the shiny window when a blond woman in a purple dress entered the scene. She has blue eyes, those same blue that got me struggling in my skirt all the time. It was freaking Cloud! When I realized this, my mind started traveling else where, where it doens't normally go, with me imagining him wearing that dress while he was in all fours with me positioned behind him as I smack his tight ass with a huge book while I screamed 'You like that you dirty slut?!' and he would respond 'Yes gimme more baby!' while he cried at the same time. I shook my head out of that bizzare fantasy and just stared at him, he had no shame as he looked directly at my cleavage, but his face is still blank, it always is, but I could have sworn that there was a flicker of wide eyes after a while, then it would disappear only to reappear again. Damn this man, I have no idea what he was thinking about.

When we were in Gold saucer, I invited him to go out with me. I invited him, talk about desperate. I'm just a horny, desperate woman. I told him I want some ice cream so we got one, I chose those lolly type popsicles while he chose a vanilla cone. But he hadn't had the chance to finish his when I started licking my lolly, slowly and sensually while he stared with the same blank look. I pretend not to notice his stare, then I started licking it up and down, I've been reading these books about sex and I learned that you can do that to his snake, so I showed him, that's when his ice cream started to fall out of his cone, his face not changing one bit, but I could have sworn I heard a faint sound coming from him, it was like 'ayayayayaya' but I ignored it. While his face still looked so emotionless, I started to get pissed off so I threw the lolly unto his chest, where it got stuck into his sweater but he didn't move one bit even if I did that. I left him there in a daze. Stupid jerk.

When we all camp out together, I would always sleep beside him, and while pretending I was alseep, I would snake my arm unto his chest, he would stiffen when I did that,then I would press my breasts as hard as I could. He wouldn't react at all but in the morning, dark circles are clearly seen around his eyes. What the hell right? Is he really that distressed when do that, he would always look miserable so I stopped after a while, but he even looked more miserable when I did that, seriously that guy, that idiot of a guy, that idiot of a hot, sexy guy. What else could I do to seduce you?

Costal del sol was the high point of my seduction period during our travels, when I saw that Aeris bought that sexy pink bikini playing and splashing in the water while calling out to Cloud, who was intoxicating in that swimming trunks, bulging in places that made my eyes pop out of my sockets, I thought, we'll see about that, you green eyed sea monster. So I looked around for a hot and tight bikini, after several failed fittings, thanks to my oversized bouncy things, I finally found the perfect red and black bikini that has a ribbon on the front of the upper part and in the sides of the lower part. Everyone gawked at me when I made my entrance, including him. And I enjoyed his stare, though it was blank, he never took his eyes off me, and my things, and my ass when he thought I wasn't looking. I bounced up and down as I invited him to play volleyball with me, but I guess he never really understood what I was saying because he was all focused on my water balloons, his eyes slowly gets bigger and bigger as I continued to bounce.

I gave up eventually, I felt exhausted, dirty, and sad. My body is so sad, more than my heart. But Iwas happy when it was all over and we started living together, I can finally continue my wrong doings, when the kids are with Barret, I would walk around the house in only a tank top and my underwear, sometimes, afterbath, I would go the fridge directly not even bothering dressing up when I know he's in the kichen, many times he would fall of his chair or suddenly choke. Those times I wanted to strangle him... While I straddled him.. On my bed... While he's tied up, yes, tied up and I want to hear him scream, scream for me to 'Stop but don't stop', I will torture him until he begs for more. Yes. That's right, that's why I decided to wear my sexiest night gown for the night... And wait for him... I waited... And waited.

And then he knocked. It's show time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the last chapter. A lemon goodness for you. A bizzare and kind of disturbing one though.**

 **I don't own final fantasy. Only these weird ideas.**

"Tifawhatareyoudoing." Was what he said as soon as the door, where he was pinned at, was closed. It was more of a statement than a question and he said it in one breath to the point that Tifa didn't understand him.

"Come again?" She purred while she traced the outlines of his chest over his already sweaty sweater.

"But I haven't came yet." He said in monotone and after realizing what he said, his eyes widened at an alarming rate earning a sinister but seductive laugh from Tifa, it was more like a fake laugh as she threw her head back, giving full view of her neck that he so wanted to lick, tongue windmilling all over it.

"You got me there, lover boy." She said in a low, sensual voice that tightened his already suffocating meat rod down below.

"G-g-g-g-g-g-got you where?" He stuttered in a rather pathetic way while wearing a deadpan look. Not really looking at her but over her head as she leaned closer to him. He gulped loudly which made her giggle. _This woman is the devil herself! I love it!_ He screamed in his mind.

"When you said you haven't came yet." She leaned forward to bite his earlobe making him whimper, how he managed to keep his blank face, she didn't know, he didn't know either. _It's soft and squishy and they're pressing against me! Hooray for me!_ His fifteen year old horny self came back in his mind.

"Tifa, what are your intentions?" He said firmly, like the leader that he was of the rebel group AVALANCHE, pretending to disagree in Tifa's aggression but his voice of authority only soaked the woman's panties like waterfalls. She giggled devilishly while she covered her mouth with her fingers.

"I love it when you talk like that, baby." She said in an almost whisper in his ear, it was low and kind of husky which sent his head swirling on the scenes that was already flashing in his head that it was like he was going to pass out from the magnitude of it all.

 _Holy fucking shit! This is it! I can finally stick my corndog into her dip_! He shook his head _. Corndog is a lame name._

"Woody womb pecker." He said in his deep masculine voice with a blank look. Tifa raised an eyebrow.

"What's that?" She asked, sultry voice long forgotten and replaced by a confused one.

"That's his name.' He said again. But didn't elaborate further. Tifa thought for a moment before it registered to her. Her faced brightened, then grinned sinisterly.

"Oh... This?" She said as she suddenly grabbed his beloveds down below which emitted a sound that was between a whimper and a whine. Leader of AVALANCHE aura gone and long forgotten. His hands outstretched on either side of him by the door behind him.

"You like that, don't you, Cloud?" Her low voice back while he nodded and shook his head, alternating the two while his eyes were closed. "Woody womb pecker huh? He better be energized because there's a womd here that's waiting to be pecked!" She almost screamed the last three words while he still whined.

 _I want more please oh yes those hands rubbing against my babies._ But his outer appearance contradicted the heat that he feels within as he just stood there, all rigid, with both arms outstretched horizontally against the door, his eyes tight shut and his lips are in a thin line. Then his eyes suddenly opened when he felt dampness on the said lips of his, He looked down with his eyes that it crossed and his manhood jerked as he witness Tifa's tongue licking it horizontally. _What a weird way to lick my lips. It's making me so fucking horny._

"Tifa-" He was about to ask her what she was doing but the moment he opened his mouth, Tifa's tongue intruded his mouth and started swirling it around like a windmill. _Oh that's it!_ His mind angriliy yelled. He put his hands on her shoulder to push her away slightly. She was appaled and she seriously thought he was going to reject her but what he said next sent hot shots down her black hole.

"I will drive my lovemeat unto your-" Tifa shut him up with her finger.

"You don't give the orders around here." She suddenly leaned forward to kiss him hard in the mouth which made his eyes wide as saucers. Then she pulled him away from the door unto the bed where she harshly pushed him down. She slowly crawled up while wearing a seductive look that had him whimpering again as he backed away a little. She suddenly produced a rope from Gaia knows where and started tying his wrist up on the headstand.

"No. Please don't tie me up yes do it tighter baby!" He whined with masculinity and it was exactly how Tifa imagined his reaction would be. She sat just above his hardness and started rubbing her dampness, he moaned a little louder than he meant. Full view of Tifa's twin wonders inches away from his face. _Must. Touch. Soft things. Nipple._ Tifa pressed harder unto him. _Shit, sweet shiva that's what_ "I'm talking aBOUT!" He unconsciously yelled the last three words out loud out because of too much excitement. It became worst when Tifa started dry humping him at an abnormal rate while she caressed her own breast, he screamed at the sight, his masculine voice echoing throughout the house along with Tifa's cries of pure bliss. He kept on screaming until Tifa stopped her riding, she pushed herself by the knees to start ripping his vest. When Tifa had removed it completely, she started her humping again like he was a mechanical behemoth while she twirled his sweater above her head. He started screaming again like a lost child who was being chased by death himself.

"MOTHERFUCK!" He yelled on top his lungs, the disturbing thing was, they were still clothed and he was already going crazy like that. _You're a fucking loser Cloud Strife!_ He scolded himself. _A fucking lucky loser._ He thought smugly, he started laughing in the same fake sounding evil laugh that earned a puzzled look from his offender, it was very uncharacteristic of him, if the rest of their comrades had been watching him at the moment, they would have started to exorcise him right then and there as they chanted 'Stop the reunion! Stop the reunion!' at the same time.

 _Finally going crazy huh, eh Strife? I'll show you crazy._ She suddenly stopped and lowered herself unto his bulge, her face that is. Then slowly, she started unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, the pulled the garment along with his boxers in one unbelievably swift movement.

And there it was. She was seeing it again, that thing. Her eyes went wild when she saw that it was throbbing slightly, like it was begging for more, if it has a pair of eyes it would have given her those puppy dog eyes already. She licked her lips slowly with wide eyes. Then she remembered what she read about these flesh colored snakes. She wrapped her fingers around it earning another loud moan from the still tied up blond that sounded more like a whimper. Tifa imagined that it was that green apple lolly before and started licking his mushroom of a head. He started breathing hard on his mouth like he was a pregnant woman in labor, his cheeks puffing with every exhaled.

 _NO! This is...! This feeling!_ He started screaming again. _Thank you Barret!_ He silently thanked his friend for taking the kids with him.

 _It's so smooth!_ Tifa thought as she continued her assualt at his manhood. With all those years of pent up feelings of both lust and love for the woman, Cloud couldn't control himself and he exploded in less than a minute on Tifa's face while he screamed, whose eyes widened greatly. _It spat on me!_ She instantly let go of his stick to wipe her face with her hand, then she held them up to her face to examine it. _It's kind of gooey._ Cloud started to cry with no tears in both ecstasy and embarassment.

 _Just wait till I get out of this ropes!_ He was yelling on his mind again while he tried to move his wrist, hoping to break the rope. He stopped his thrashing when Tifa suddenly removed her night gown over her head, seeing all of her exposed flesh up close like that was his final breaking point. he started howling like a wild animal which greatly surprised the brunette, then suddenly, the rope that was confining him started to rip making her back away from him.

 _Oh crap_. Tifa thought as she stood up hastily to get away from the enraged man. but he was faster, the next thing she knew, she was being pinned down to her bed with the great Cloud Strife hovering over her, his eyes wild with lust. She gulped.

"It's pay back time." He growled which sent shivers down her spine towards her lower region. She was the one who whimpered this time but her outer expression was the complete opposite of what she was really feeling.

 _I can't wait, lover boy._

Just then, he suddenly lowered his face to devour Tifa's mouth while he growled. Tifa kissed him back in equal desperation, this is what she has been waiting for, and so is he. He pulled away hastily to lower himself further her neck and started to lick on it which made her moan loudly.

 _YES!_

 _She tastes so good._ His thoughts turned him on ever more. His hand let go of Tifa's wrist to cup her generous breast. _So soft oh my Gods!_ If Tifa could hear his thoughts, she would have laughed. He stared at Tifa's face with those piercing blue eyes, full of lust and love for the woman, his serious face was driving Tifa mad, if only she knew what kind childish things his mind was screaming about. He planted his knees on the bed with Tifa still lying below him, his fully erect manhood exposed for her to see, he started to rip away her panties and his eye twitched when he was finally seeing her soaking fur burgers. _Cloudy's comin' to town!_ He thought but his face held that still deadpan look.

"Don't just stare at it, do something!" Tifa yelled at him, losing her patience. Tifa got the surprise of her life when he smirked sinisterly. She began to sweat.

"Believe me Tifa..." He lowered himself down towards her muscle of love. "I will..." He growled then spread her legs by holding them upward, his price saying hello to him. Then he lowered himself even more and started to suck on her core, juices surrounding his lips and nose like river, and was clearly enjoying himself while Tifa screamed her pleasure.

 _Yes! That's right! Scream for me this time!_

He started flicking her nub with his tongue which caused her to grab a handful of his hair to lift his head up, he yelled at the pain.

"It's too much! I can't take it!" Tifa screamed while she still pulled Cloud's hair, who was still yelling from the pain she was giving him.

"Let go, it hurts!" He finally told her though he didn't want to say it.

"Do it again!" Tifa exclaimed then she pushed back the blonde's head towards her nether lips, who had began swirling his tongue like a windmill. "Oh yes!"

Cloud did his evil laugh inwardly. _I give you more reason to scream baby._ He thought. His manhood couldn't take it anymore, he started to rise up without bothering to wipe his mouth, then positioned himself between her greatly spread legs that he was holding upwards.

"Better be ready because Woody womb pecker is-"

"Just do it already!" Tifa yelled at him. Then with heavy breathing like he was going to die any moment, he started to push into her, Tifa screamed in the sudden pain she felt. "Wa wa wa wait!"

"What?"

"It hurts!"

"But you said-"

"Just do it already!"

 _What the hell?!_ He was already losing his mind from what was happening, and before Tifa was even ready, he drove himself inside which made her yell out in pain again. He moaned in delight however. _Yes! I'm finally inside!_

"It fucking hurts!" Cloud's eyes widened when he heard that.

"You never cursed."

"It's because it fucking hurts! You and your giant snake are ripping me in half!" She started to cry a little. Cloud's face softened when he saw a tear in her eye.

"I'm sorry..." He lowered his face to kiss her on her lips gently. "I love you, Tifa..." He said to her lovingly which made her open her eyes in surprise.

"You... You do?" She asked in an almost whisper. He nodded his head with a rare sweet smile. She smiled back.

"I love you too Cloud..." She responded then she pulled him lower to kiss him. "Now move Strife." She suddenly said firmly which earned a wide eyed expression from him, and without further ado, he held himself up and started pounding her hard, they hips smacking together while they yelled on top of their lungs.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Cloud yelled.

"MORE!" Tifa yelled back. They continued screaming like that, the neighbors were already thinking of calling the police, thinking that someone was being brutally murdered inside seventh heaven. But they knew better so they just let it go and let the heroes of the planet deal with their problems(Horrible neighbors).

Cloud continue his assualt on his maiden's pulsing folds until he felt her insides tightening, that's when Tifa started hitting him on his chest.

"No! What is this! It's too much! It's too much!" She yelled while she hit him.

"You're having an orgasm!" He yelled back, his head thrown back with his eyes tightly closed.

"Wha-at?!" Tifa's voice cracked from too much pleasure.

"Nevermind that! I'm having mine! FUCK!" Then it happened. "I'm coming inside you! I LOVE YOU!" He screamed bloody murder when he exploded, his hot liquid pouring inside her still tightening wet muscles. When their waves were over, he instantly stopped but didn't move from his position, his eyes wide with shock from it all.

 _Ho... Holy..._

"I love you too..." She whispered at him, and that's when he finally moved and looked down at her.

Smiling his rare and best smile in the world.

A/N: It was weird, but I was laughing while I was writing this. LOL thanks for reading!


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